Untamed Shrew

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5 Reasons being a woman sucks.

Apparently, I was exposed to high levels of testosterone in the womb. This could be why I often find myself thinking I would rather be a man.

When I say this in public, people seem surprised and sometimes even offended. But being a woman really is quite rubbish. Here are just a few reasons why:

1.       It is unacceptable to have hair anywhere on your face besides your eyebrows. This takes work.

2.       PMS. And not just before your period. Most of the women I know seem to have PMS all the time.

3.       You can't win with breasts. If they're big, you get back problems. If they're small, you feel inadequate.

4.       Spending half an hour each morning sorting out your hair, make-up and outfit. According to my half-arsed calculations, this adds up to over 10,000 hours over the average woman's lifetime. By comparison, it takes 70 hours to get a private pilot's license. And about 1,700 hours of classes to get a Bachelor's degree. So in the time spent covering up zits and trying out different shoes with my outfit, I could have become a rocket scientist, a doctor and probably even travelled the globe on a donkey.

5.       The irrepressible urge to constantly complain. For example, this blog.

This video sums up my feelings perfectly:

Pop Culture Madness: Jordanian Elections Edition

Sometimes the most unlikely things make my day.

Today it was spotting this poster of Nuha Miqdadi, a Jordanian parliamentary candidate whose face is plastered all over Zarqa. Could anything be more symbolic of Jordan's identity crisis?

Is Nuha Miqdadi a conservative Muslim woman in a black hijab? A babe in red lipstick with a 'come hither' glance? A nationalistic Jordanian in a red keffiyeh? And most importantly, why is the keffiyeh wrapped around her head like a turban?

The optimistic among you might argue that Nuha can be all of these things at once. But can you honestly tell me that this doesn't look like a recipe for disaster?

Horny Saudi seeks 'bint el-halal' … but not really.

Any woman can tell you that receiving creepy messages from sleazy randoms on Facebook is nothing out of the ordinary. But last night, my friend SK received a message which really is just special. I couldn't help but post it.

(Apologies to English-speaking readers, but translating this would just kill it.)

مرحبا

أنا أحمد من السعودية أعيش حالياً في كندا وبالتحديد في تورنتو لأجل اكمال دراستي الجامعية، عمري 25 سنة.

أنا صراحة ابحث عن فتاة عربية مسلمة نتطبق عليها شروط الزواج العرفي وترغب في الزواج مني ... فأنا هنا في الغربه ومثلك يعرف الجو والتأثر فأنا ارغب بالإبتعاد عن الحرام وعدم الوقوع فيه فاتمنى الحصول على امراءه تقبل الارتباط معي بعقد متعة. وأنا اوعدها ان اني لا ابخل عليها بشيء وان تعيش معي حياة رائعة. وأن كانت ترغب في القدوم الى كندا فأنا مستعد اساعدها في ذلك. فإذا كنتي تقبلين فأنا سوف اكون سعيد واوعد بأنكي لم تندمي ابداً

انا في انتظار جواب
احمد

Wow. Who could possibly resist such an enticing offer?

PS. Check out this fantastic Facebook group I found! It's so brilliant, why does it only have 5 members?!

Rare case of 'Adult Tweeterrhea' diagnosed in Israel

While frittering my life away on Twitter, I recently came across the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs' account run by Chaim Shacham, the Director of Israel's 'Digital Diplomacy Department'.

As far as I can tell, it seems Shacham spends a lot of time online tweeting classic gems like "There is absolutely no apartheid" to an audience composed of an odd combination of ZioNazis, angry dyslexic muhajababes and Guardian-readers channeling ennui with their dull upper-middle class existence into political rage.

Although to be fair, I'd be pretty frustrated too if I was a dyslexic muhajababe.

Muhajababes of the world untie!

This minute-by-minute regurgitation of Israeli government positions is impressive in the same way you would be impressed by someone who can projectile vomit on demand. Although it is an absolute a must-read for anyone who feels they aren't getting the Israeli side of the story (which explains why the account has a staggering 145 followers globally).

But regardless of one's political views, you have to give Mr. Shacham points for his energy. Most Twitter users who display such fervor are under the age of 16. And although he displays the same level of intellectual sophistication as fellow Tweetarrheans, he does manage to remain grammatically intact. So, I thought it would be great to interview him for this blog.

Me: What does Israel hope to achieve with digital diplomacy?

CS: We found that there weren't enough people online who feel the need to defend Israel's record of their own accord. So we decided to pay them to do it instead. Unfortunately, we are having difficulties getting paid staff to recreate the zealousness of obsessive laypeople who do this for fun. It seems to require characteristics only found in the chronically unemployed.

Me:What is the Israeli government's strategy in the current negotiations with the Palestinians?
CS: We intend to dazzle the world community by putting up a facade of distracting handshakes, photos-ops and press releases while continuing colonization from behind.

Me: Are you telling me that the Israeli position on settlements is doggy-style?                

CS: If you want to get technical, yes.

In the interest of unbiased reporting, I tried to get hold of the person in charge of the Palestinian 'Digital Diplomacy Department'. But despite several phonecalls to the Palestinian Ministry of Information to arrange an interview, I was unable to penetrate the defenses of the gum-snapping telephone operator who hung up on me repeatedly. They must be too busy preparing the ground for online revolution.

PS. Don't hate me Guardian-readers, I'm a Guardian-reader too!

Would you screen Facebook's calls?

Yesterday's post started a discussion between a friend and I about what Facebook would be like if it was an actual person.

First, we concluded that Facebook would be a woman. Sorry to perpetuate gender stereotypes, but no social networking site could be personified as a man unless it was about sex and/or gadgets and/or cars. (Although Twitter could be an exception, with its inability to listen for more than 140 characters).

So obviously, Facebook would be the nosey type. And oh, the gossip! She would be a terrible, yet extremely persistent, matchmaker. And she would keep reminding you of things you want to forget ever happened. But the worst part is that you would find yourself staying friends with her anyway.

On second thought, Facebook could be a man. But only if it was Perez Hilton.

PS. Quick shout out to the unfailingly witty AK whose comments inspired this post, and who will hopefully write a guest post soon!

Facebook made me do it.

Everyone does it. Don't pretend you don't. I, for one, am willing to admit that I occasionally 'peruse' the Facebook profiles of men I used to date. If you insist, we can call it 'stalking'.

I do find it disturbing that the online equivalent of peeping through your ex's window has become borderline socially acceptable. But what is more disturbing is that Facebook seems to be encouraging this behaviour.

Recently, a box called 'Photo Memories' has started showing up while browsing Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is no coincidence that most of these photos are of people I used to stalk on Facebook (i.e. ex-boyfriends). Basically, Facebook is like one of those dodgy friends that encourages you to drunk dial your ex at 3am.

I looked it up and the problem seems to be that the Facebook algorithim is not very good at figuring out how human relationships work. The 'Photo Memories' pictures are selected because you used to show an interest in the profiles of people tagged in them. So while your friends can grasp that you no longer want your ex's face randomly popping up on your computer screen, the Facebook algorithm hasn't quite got there. Basically, Facebook is like a socially inept friend that encourages you to drunk dial your ex at 3am.

So the next time Facebook prompts you to stalk an ex, just think how you would feel about a moronic friend encouraging you to drink-dial that person.